I've got hog's jowls, crow's feet, frown lines, forehead wrinkles, neck wattles, chin crevasses, nose veins, ear hair, puffy, discoloured bags under my eyes, and red and brown splotches all over my face. Plus, I'm fat and bald. It's horrifying.
While prohibited by the ancient Guy Code from resorting to any sort of remedy for my "maturing face," or even talking about it, I know I am not alone. I see my sagging, wrinkled, pale brethren downtown all the time, shuffling their way to yet another office meeting. Their ravaged visages are begging for a makeover, but they're too proud or ashamed to admit it. As a result, these poor guys have no clue how to enhance their ugly mugs.
Help is available. Dr. Ashwani Singh of CosMedics - a medical spa that does plenty of Botox, among other face- and body-fixing procedures - says very few of his male patients come in on the recommendation of poker buddies. They're accompanied by their wives, he says, "and we're seeing more and more men, especially this year." A visit to Dr. Don Groot is encouraging, too. The local dermatologist has also noticed an "upswing" in male patients recently. Why? Two out of two doctors agree: aging baby boomers who get laid off in a slow economy need to look more "marketable" - and fast.
Groot pulls out the mirror of truth to point out several prominent landmarks on my own sadly neglected face. He suggests a Botox treatment for jowls. It's called the "Nefertiti Lift," named after the ancient Egyptian queen because injections are done on the jaw line and mimic the straightened shape of the queen's face. Botox (a derivative of botulism toxin that has been in clinical use for decades) may get bad press for causing frozen faces unable to convey basic human emotions, but Groot says that's not a problem if it's used correctly. However, botox treatments last only four to six months, so patients are required to make regular trips to maintain the look they want.
Clinics throughout the city offer a smorgasbord of non-invasive rejuvenation delights. Unwanted wrinkles and other facial fissures can be filled with injections of revitalizing goo. Lasers can vaporize blemishes. Microdermabrasion - a light sandblasting - exfoliates dead skin cells to make your face look fresher. Photorejuvenation uses short pulses of intense light for basically the same thing. Groot's clinic also offers liposuction and hair transplants.
Beyond "How much?," all I need to know is "How long before I can go out in public without scaring small children?" The answer to the second question bears much on the first, since time is money, and a pretty face may help me land that high-paying gig as a TV news anchor. Downtime is a concern to me because I'm a busy man. However, I am assured by Groot that almost any cosmetic work I opt for - short of cold steel surgery - will have me back to doing whatever it is I do immediately. A bit of temporary redness or flaking is normal and can vary in duration and intensity, depending on the procedure.
Like any MD, Groot pushes diet and exercise as a great way to rejuvenate from within. All you need is "motivation." But self-motivation certainly isn't going to cut it with me - and that's where the personal trainer comes in. Mark Campbell, owner of Marked Improvement Personal Fitness Training, claims that for the price of liposuction, I could hire a good trainer for up to two years. Sounds like work, and it is. Campbell's program starts with a four-week "adaptation process," which involves loosening abdominal muscles shortened from prolonged sitting. Then come six to eight weeks of a four-pronged training assault, working on flexibility, resistance,
cardiovascular and lifestyle changes. "In a best-case scenario," Campbell says, "you could lose up to 24 pounds of fat - not muscle, fat," and look younger in the bargain. "Even your skin will look better."
It wasn't easy to find another guy to talk to about this stuff, but through a (female) friend, I found Chad Stewart, owner of Pure Elements Hair & Body salon in Sherwood Park. Stewart says the salon, too, has seen a dramatic increase in male clientele over the last few years. He has personally undergone liposuction, Botox, cosmetic dental work and laser treatments. The results are "awesome," he says, adding he would not only do it again, but he recommends it to other men. "I believe that we only live once, and if I can afford to take care of my body that way, then why not?" he asks.
There's more evidence that the male rejuvenation stigma may be lifting. A men's spa in Commerce Place, called the Board Room, offers a shave and a haircut, manicures and pedicures, hair removal, waxing, facials, massage therapy, microdermabrasion, Botox, lasers - you name it. And you can watch the sports channel while it's being done, too.
The Board Room's chairman (and doorman), Ed Kilbride, takes one look at me and declares, "I can make you look five years younger, easy."
Well, get to it, man.
I stick my gaping maw into the Visia machine, which uses a special filter to make my face appear like one of the more crater-pocked moons of Jupiter. He then gives me a free session of follicular enhancement under the laser helmet, which is designed to save the hair you still have and grow more hair in live follicles. My question, "Are you qualified to operate this thing?" is interrupted by Kilbride clicking this thing on. Five minutes later and I feel slightly toasty, but no less bald. A full course costs $2,950 and takes a year to complete the final session.
The choices are daunting. Should I go with a full-blown Botox lift with a side of microdermabrasion, non-ablative laser resurfacing, soft tissue implants and hyaluronic gel fillers? Hair transplants or a good rug? Or should I just accept a face only a mother could love? One thing is for sure: If my friends find out where I've been, I'd never hear the end of it. I guess I've got a long, long way to go.
